Closed Door


Every day when I wake up in the morning, I look across the hall and hope to see the door closed, but it’s always OPEN. There was a time Not so long ago when I used to get irritated seeing it closed!!

Life is a ever changing journey but one constant is that we have to let our babies grow thier wings and let them fly, though it’s easier said then done. It takes a lot of heartbreak and tons of courage to let them go. And it happens to all whether ready or not!!

And it hit us too, last fall, came the time when we had to go, drop our son in college. I was so mentally prepared, had friends and family wishing me well, ready to wipe my tears, give me good advise and basically to hold my hands. I so thought I could handle this bravely, cutting the umbilical cord, and letting him soar into newer skies. After all it was for his good future and that’s what parents hope for and work for!!

In the weeks prior to his leaving we spent so much time prepping , packing, making new memories. And finally the day came, we packed the car to the remotest of corners, we didn’t know even existed and reached his new home. How we made sure he was ready and how we set up his dorm room is another story for another time! The bottom line is we made sure he was comfortable. We even extended our trip by a day after taking good bye pictures. I guess it was more for me than him.

Next morning we took goodbye pictures, AGAIN, hugged and were about to leave, when he said. “Mom wish we could go for a walk, it’s so beautiful right now”. But I was the prepared mom, ready to be strong and with a smile, I told him “next time” and we left!!

I kept on taking pictures of his retreating back till the time it was a just blur in my camera lens which was fogging up because of the rain falling outside!! I never realised it was the mist in my eyes and in my heart.

On the four hours trip back home, I didn’t waver once, I was solid as rock. I listened to music, wished him all the luck from deep inside my heart. I was GOOD to go. Wow!! I was so strong. And then we turned the corner into our street, and what do I see, a shiny red car, HIS CAR, HIS FIRST LOVE, glittering in the sunlight, in all it’s glory. And the floodgates opened.

In every corner of the house, were reminders of him, the pantry and fridge full of his favorite food. His room in shambles, empty of his favorite belongings, his most loved things now adorning his dorm room, a home away from home. I sat in a chair and cried for so long that I forgot how it felt to be without tears. And I knew I was not alone in my misery, my daughter, my husband we all shared the emptiness. And so did many more of my friends who had just dropped thier offsprings in hope of making a brighter future for them. We all shared the collective grief, but well, it was for thier best. Isn’t it!!

Now everyday I miss him in simplest of things I do, when I drive, when I listen to Sufi music, crack simplest of jokes, or watch his favorite show. I miss him when I need to talk to him about something random. And the most I miss are my regular walks with him, which were the best part of my day, talking ‘n’ sharing daily life stories. Not to forget him doing the groceries and running errands, dropping, picking up his sibling and just being my rock.

Some one said it right your kids may out grow your shoe size, your height but they never outgrow your heart.

Now we wait for him to come home every few weeks, do all those things we enjoy the most together as a family and even those which used to bother me earlier, like him closing the door of his room in the night.

Now I look forward to those days, when I get to see the door closed and I get to open it and say “Wake up, it’s time, good morning my SUN (Son)”!!

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