Every day when I wake up in the morning, I look across the hall and hope to see the door closed, but it’s always OPEN. There was a time Not so long ago when I used to get irritated seeing it closed!!

Life is a ever changing journey but one constant is that we have to let our babies grow thier wings and let them fly, though it’s easier said then done. It takes a lot of heartbreak and tons of courage to let them go. And it happens to all whether ready or not!!

And it hit us too, last fall, came the time when we had to go, drop our son in college. I was so mentally prepared, had friends and family wishing me well, ready to wipe my tears, give me good advise and basically to hold my hands. I so thought I could handle this bravely, cutting the umbilical cord, and letting him soar into newer skies. After all it was for his good future and that’s what parents hope for and work for!!

In the weeks prior to his leaving we spent so much time prepping , packing, making new memories. And finally the day came, we packed the car to the remotest of corners, we didn’t know even existed and reached his new home. How we made sure he was ready and how we set up his dorm room is another story for another time! The bottom line is we made sure he was comfortable. We even extended our trip by a day after taking good bye pictures. I guess it was more for me than him.

Next morning we took goodbye pictures, AGAIN, hugged and were about to leave, when he said. “Mom wish we could go for a walk, it’s so beautiful right now”. But I was the prepared mom, ready to be strong and with a smile, I told him “next time” and we left!!

I kept on taking pictures of his retreating back till the time it was a just blur in my camera lens which was fogging up because of the rain falling outside!! I never realised it was the mist in my eyes and in my heart.

On the four hours trip back home, I didn’t waver once, I was solid as rock. I listened to music, wished him all the luck from deep inside my heart. I was GOOD to go. Wow!! I was so strong. And then we turned the corner into our street, and what do I see, a shiny red car, HIS CAR, HIS FIRST LOVE, glittering in the sunlight, in all it’s glory. And the floodgates opened.

In every corner of the house, were reminders of him, the pantry and fridge full of his favorite food. His room in shambles, empty of his favorite belongings, his most loved things now adorning his dorm room, a home away from home. I sat in a chair and cried for so long that I forgot how it felt to be without tears. And I knew I was not alone in my misery, my daughter, my husband we all shared the emptiness. And so did many more of my friends who had just dropped thier offsprings in hope of making a brighter future for them. We all shared the collective grief, but well, it was for thier best. Isn’t it!!

Now everyday I miss him in simplest of things I do, when I drive, when I listen to Sufi music, crack simplest of jokes, or watch his favorite show. I miss him when I need to talk to him about something random. And the most I miss are my regular walks with him, which were the best part of my day, talking ‘n’ sharing daily life stories. Not to forget him doing the groceries and running errands, dropping, picking up his sibling and just being my rock.

Some one said it right your kids may out grow your shoe size, your height but they never outgrow your heart.

Now we wait for him to come home every few weeks, do all those things we enjoy the most together as a family and even those which used to bother me earlier, like him closing the door of his room in the night.

Now I look forward to those days, when I get to see the door closed and I get to open it and say “Wake up, it’s time, good morning my SUN (Son)”!!

My day started with notes,

And wishes galore,

On my special day

There were lots of calls

Both from home

And across the globe

These are a few lines

To say thank you all

Few words to express my gratitude

Few pearls from heart to say

I am loved and cherished by all

The circle of friends

The strength of my loved ones

The blessings of elders

My heart goes out to say

I am so incomplete without you all 

My better half, my guide

And the two precious gems 

Walk with me side by side

Together with them 

I love and live my life

They are my core

Making me Complete and who I am

These few words are just to say

Thank you to each one and all

And to God, the Almighty above

The most Gracious One, 

Who makes me feel so loved

And touches my soul 

It is  known fact among my friends and family, that I love shoes. I have a big collection of them, though its a different story, I like to wear only a few of them on a daily basis. I am often asked, why do I own so many shoes? why do I love to buy shoes at the drop of a hat.

 

Now when I think about this love of my life, believe me it looks like that to some people, I go back to the days when we were growing up, we had two pairs for school, one BATA chappal and if “mahine ka akhir”  (End of the month) allowed a fancy pair to go out. Only different thing we could do in high school with our shoes was to wear “GOLA” shoes instead of plain and simple “Mary Jane”  kind or to find different way of tying shoelaces in PE ones. I know many would identify with me and don’t read “OLD”, I am still from the era of QSQT and Chandni (80’s Bollywood movies) (thinking more shoe…now with chandni look).

 

Two incidences that stand out in my memory. My  mom had a “London returned” cousin, and she had these fancy leather boots all embroidered and “oh” so good looking. She promised to give me those once she outgrew them, only hindrance was she was quite a few years older then me. With time I resigned myself to the fate of not owning them, but they came in my dream so often.

 

And decade later, while raiding my granma’s house, I found these “Dream Shoes” in the attic. With much aplomb they were cleaned and were tried on, “hear drum roll in the background”, but to my dismay they had grown mold inside them and with broken heart were shown the garbage can. “OH” what a sad day, I can still feel the pain of loosing my dream shoes. I own a lot of boots now but nothing come close to owning the damaged, forbidden ones.

 

Now lets move on to the story of” The white belly shoes”. Belly shoes are very common in India, closed flats and very versatile. I had a white pair and I so wanted a black one to match my outfit. I was going with my friend and her brother to fill in college application forms and I decided to treat myself to new shoes. Yes!! long before term  “DIY” got commonly used. I actually did Jugad, took some black polish and made by white shoe turn into “DIY” new black ones.

 

Proudly I stepped out, feeling so proud of my matching outfit and shoes. But the day didn’t last on the same note. By afternoon the white started peeping out, saying hello to the world. By the time I reached back home, it was out in the open, and like Cinderella, I had lost my glass slipper for then, till my handsome prince found me a new one (prince part to be true to the princess story 🙂 ).

 

The life moved on with ups and downs. My actual Prince Charming came, and my parents made sure to send me off with a nice collection of sarees, suits and of course shoes. And by the time my parents visited me in my new home abroad, my collection had grown substantially. One of the few things I did to prepare for their visit, was to put almost all in trash bags, and hide them in the closet. In case you are wondering why, I was embarrassed to own so many, as I had seen my parents working hard to provide us with necessities and luxuries.

 

Going back to the story, picture the moment my parents enter the home, and first thing my then five year old says, “Nani, dekho mama ne kya chuppaya” ( look grandma, what mamma hid), it actually felt like that ad, “jab main chota bacha tha” Unbelievable, but they say na “bache man ke sache”

 

Well, there are many more incidents, that  I can share which mark my love of these glossy or matt, solid  or rainbow colored piece of leather or canvas. And not to forget my closest friends have contributed to the varied variety.

 

The  best thing about shoes is that my size has stayed the same  over a long period of time. But just to make clear, my shoe size has remained the same. It’s as loyal to me as my love for them.